There Will Come A Time ...
When you asked me out the first time, I knew something was amiss. You told me we would take things as slowly physically as I wanted, and that you were in no rush for sex. We weren't even dating at this time, so why would you think a conversation like that was even appropriate?
Despite saying no time after time, you kept asking me out and telling me one day we would be together. After a while, your devotion seemed almost romantic to me. Now, I realize, this was just you manipulating me into believing I needed you and that you were the best thing for me.
Somehow, after 4 years of this constant cat and mouse game, we both ended up single and we decided to go out. No longer the gawky teenager you were in high school, your promising career and newfound attractiveness was evidently enough to lure me in. I agreed to date you; I thought I sincerely wanted to date you. You had me convinced we would get married and this whole process of being in love would be the happiest time in both of our lives. You had the wool pulled over my eyes so well.
I soon discovered you never wanted anything for me, you wanted to take things from me. You used the fact that I was a virgin against me, and you made me believe that showing my love for you equated to showing you my body. You coerced me into so many things I did not want to do. I knew these things felt wrong, but I did them anyway. I was trying to make you happy, I was trying to be a good girlfriend. Through all this, you were trying to fulfill your own desires and dreams about the two of us, and didn't care that I was unhappy. You didn't even notice.
After every time I ended up doing something with you I regretted, both in that moment and later on, I would try to tell you how I felt and that what we were doing seemed so egregiously wrong to me. You would apologize and seem so repentant, but, like a true manipulator and, let's face it, like a true abuser, you turned it around on me and made me feel like the one to blame.
The sexual advances never ceased, and I felt I could never escape from them, or from you. I was torn in this awkward limbo of loving you and yet feeling so disgusted by what I was doing in the name of making you happy and fulfilling what you had convinced me was my dream.
When I finally broke up with you, I thought I would feel free, but it's been 6 weeks and I still don't. I guess 4 1/2 years of manipulation and coercion, partnered with months of sexual harassment, takes longer to get over than a month and a half.
But I will get over this, and there will come a time when I think of you and I don't want to crawl inside myself and hide. There will come a time when I no longer blame myself for what happened, and there will come a time when I meet a man who wants to love me the right way, and I will accept his love, since by then I will long be free of you.
You can say we were both responsible for what happened, or you can say you just didn't know I felt uncomfortable. But it was all your fault, and I am not to blame. I was so very uncomfortable, and I hate that my first sexual experiences were manipulated and controlled by you.
Time, courage, and strength will heal me, because I now am assured that I can move on, because I know what you did. And it was wrong.