And It Was Wrong


I was a freshman in college, freshly back into the dating scene and you were a cute boy who knew some of my friends. We were at your friend's hot tub, having a good time, and I admit I was flirting a little bit. I thought you were cute, a bit dull, but I was lonely and I needed someone. We all went back to my room, my roommate her boyfriend, you, me, and my friend from high school. My friend slept on the floor between the beds, all of them falling asleep before the movie was over. You and I were making out, but I wasn't all that into it. I had fallen and hurt my hip that day and was in quite a lot of pain. I told you I was hurting and you ignored me, you kept on sticking your tongue down my throat. I told myself to just relax, that if I just took my mind off my hip the pain would go away and maybe, just maybe I'd actually enjoy kissing you.

The pain didn't go away and you grew more insistent. I finally stopped kissing back and curled into a ball, turned away from you trying to stop the pain in my hip. You kept touching, you never took the hint. I thought that I should just speak up, tell you to stop or leave, but our friends were in the room and I was sensitive of your ego, I didn't want them to think you were a creep. You were nice, you just didn't take a hint, couldn't read body language.

Now I know you were not nice. You kept touching and I was too afraid to speak up. My friend was right there, two feet away, and I knew he would and could protect me, but I didn't do anything.
I scooted down to the bottom of my bed and curled in a ball. Somehow you still didn't understand, still kept touching and trying to get me to respond. It's like you thought it was all a game, like I was playing hard to get. Well, I wasn't. I was scared out of my mind and all I wanted was for you to go away.

Eventually you fell asleep, and as you and our friends slept, I grabbed a blanket and my pillow and went into my walk-in closet. It was barely big enough for me, but I slept on the floor of my closet, hoping I'd wake before anyone else so no one caught me asleep on my closet floor and asked questions. I don't remember anything else from that night, but I do know this: I never cried out because I was too worried about your reputation. I felt ashamed and guilty and stupid but I know now that it wasn't my fault. I may have flirted and I may not have stood up for myself and my body, but what you did was wrong.

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