And It Was Wrong

No Probable Cause

I met my predator through my college roommate. He came and stayed at our apartment for Cinco De Mayo. That night my roommate got very upset with me about something and left. Me and her “friend” hooked up. I was drunk, he was drunk, it was consensual. I didn’t hear anything from this guy until after graduation and I had already written him off as a one night fling. I moved to our state capitol and started Grad-school.

At some point he sent me a face-book message. “I see you are in town. We should hang out” I was lonely and in a new place so I thought sure why not. We hung out a few times and eventually started dating.

At some point he took my virginity (I consider it a consensual although I wasn’t comfortable with it) He would come and stay with me on the weekends after that. It was fun but nothing special. One such weekend he was at my apartment. I had to get up early the next morning for school. I went to bed early but he stayed up and invited a friend over. We got in a fight about it. He left and took my car (also not ok) and so the next morning I was done. I woke him up at the ass crack of dawn and told him to pack up and when I got back I was taking him home and we would be through. I was so furious.

I got back from my school thing and he had made me some sort of “token for his sins” he apologized and fervently asked to me to give him one last chance. I don’t know what I was thinking or why I chose to do so but I reluctantly gave in. He wanted to make me dinner so we went out and got some stuff to do so including some alcohol. He was insistent that we “kick back, relax, and live it up.” I remember joking with him that it was lame to “get drunk” at the apartment. I made my first drink and he tried it and complained that it wasn’t strong enough so he wanted to make my next one. I let him. I remember thinking “what is this a competition” He brought me my next drink and told me to drink it as fast as I could. I was tired of fighting with him so I did.

After that I all I can remember are sensations and snapshots of the night. I know at some point I felt “super drunk” and called my best friend complaining that I didn’t feel normal drunk I felt crazy. I remember at some point he asked me to have sex and then at some point I was lying on the floor naked for what felt like forever and I remember feeling like lead like I couldn’t move under my own weight. I think at some point he got mad at me and yelled at me and then somehow I got a cut on my inner thigh although I don’t remember him having a knife. I felt completely out of control.

This is the part that I don’t understand because at some point that night I woke up sore and naked and I woke him up he confessed that we had slept together and said that he had “drugged” the drink he had made me. I kept asking him why over and over again but I can’t remember what his response was. I must have told him to leave at some point because I remember him telling me I was crazy and he wasn’t leaving until the morning.

The next morning I woke up feeling like shit. I let him sleep until nine and then I drove him home. I was so scared. I had never been afraid of him until that point. After I dropped him off I sent him a text to break up with him. I drove to a friend’s house and told her what happened. She told me I had been raped which I remember sounded very foreign to me. She took me to the hospital and they did a rape kit. I gave them my statement and at one point I asked the police officer “was it wrong what he did? I don’t want to be stupid but was it wrong?” the Cop answered that it was wrong.

I would like so much to be able to tell you that I was brave and pressed charges and didn’t ever speak to this guy again, but that’s not how it happened. I did press charges, but I also started dating this guy again. Looking back I know now that I didn’t want to be alone and I was scared of him and even more scared about the possibility that it all was real and not just a nightmare so I tried to ignore it by getting back together with him and living in his world where “nothing happened” but whenever I wasn’t with him the fear and reality would crash onto me like a tsunami and I wouldn’t be able to function.

It wasn’t until I met someone else that I woke up to who this guy really was, a predator, who used guile and guise to lure me into his factious world where he was a “nice guy” and I was a “dumb bitch” but that wasn’t real he wasn’t a nice guy, and I may never know who he really was because he only let me see his true colors one time on that one night.

Eventually the charges lead to him being arrested. At the preliminary hearing the Judge kept calling me a slut and saying that I was asking for it and so he ruled “no probable cause” stating that because I was dating him and had had sex with him prior to the incident “it didn’t count” To this day I don’t understand those words and I don’t understand what happened to me based on what that judge said.

I don’t know how to tell my story to you without feeling like I am being over dramatic or somehow imagining things that never happened for the sake of justifying my emotional trauma. I know how I feel and I know it was wrong.

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