I don't even think you understood.
As a matter of fact, I know you didn't. I didn't even understand until now, and it's been... what, ten years?
We were 15 going on 16. I met you through our mutual friend, and we hit it off. Pretty soon you were my first boyfriend, and I fell in love. I adored you, and you were pretty much a gentleman where I expected you to be and willing to engage in sexual exploration where I wanted you to be. It was fun! We went on dates, hung out at the beach, got caught fooling around by some creepy old guy (that in itself was disturbing enough but hey, we knew we were taking risks.) I met your skeevy mom and even skeevier stepdad and realized why you hated them both. I consoled you when they made you miserable, you consoled me when my own parents did the same to me.
There were a lot of good experiences tied up in our relationship. It's a shame that what sticks out in my mind today is your pushiness regarding one specific thing: Oral sex.
At first I was willing to explore. I was happy to make you happy, and our sexual experiences were fulfilling and enjoyable. However, sometimes I just didn't feel like going down on you. Sometimes I just didn't feel up to enduring the taste of your precum. Sometimes I'd be a good sport and not even say anything if I didn't feel like it, I'd just do it anyway because I liked making you happy. But sometimes I'd think to myself "Nope, I'm really not feeling this and I'm not up to taking one for the team this time." You'd often get sullen and quiet if I refused, and eventually I stopped refusing.
I don't remember why I told you not to cum in my mouth that one time. I don't remember if I still hadn't allowed it yet and wasn't ready, or whether I had and had decided I really didn't care for it and didn't want to do it again. What I do remember clear as day was asking you not to. I remember you agreeing, and lying back. I remember thinking that once I pleasured you for a bit maybe we could just move onto something I'd enjoy a bit more. I remember what side of the bed we were on. I remember the bedding. I remember the shock as I felt your cum jet into my mouth. I remember pulling my head away and confronting you with a combination of anger, shock, and bewilderment. Was I not clear? Did I stutter? Why would you do it anyway, you stupid shit?
It was an accident, you said. You hadn't meant to, you just lost control. I don't remember if you ever said "I'm sorry." You probably did. Whatever you said, I let it go. I was annoyed but I let it go. Just like I let it go every time I refused to give you oral and you'd get all quiet and angry and give me the silent treatment. Just like I let it go when I told you I wasn't comfortable engaging in any sexual activity while visiting your grandparents in Chicago because I felt it to be disrespectful toward them, but you pressured me into it anyway and I did it because I was in a stranger's home for the weekend and if I said no, I'd be in a stranger's home for the weekend with a boyfriend giving me the silent treatment in private and expecting me to act like nothing was wrong while around them. It was easier to give in than it was to deal with the emotional bullshit that ensued if I didn't.
I had issues performing oral for years after breaking up with you. I flat-out refused for most guys I dated after you, and it caused problems in the relationship that ultimately blossomed into my marriage. It took several years for me to even realize why I hated doing it now when I had been okay with it at first, and more years to shake the feeling of degradation every time I attempted it. When I finally started doing it for my husband, it was over a year before I was comfortable enough to allow him to cum in my mouth.
I'm not still angry at you. We were a couple of stupid teenagers and I'm pretty much positive you never realized what you were really doing to me. You simply reacted to your disappointment in the way you knew how, realized it got you what you wanted, and there wasn't ever any real drama afterward so hey, no harm done right? Wrong. I hope you've learned better by now. I really do. But regardless of what happened being the result of stupidity and cluelessness rather than outright malice, one thing is still true: It was wrong.
On that note: I'd also like to comment on something that recently happened where I work. I was informed by a coworker that the previous day (I was off) that a man had been repeatedly hitting on a woman at the service counter. She repeatedly told him she had a boyfriend and was not interested, yet he persisted! Eventually, she agreed to kiss him on the cheek (and I know exactly what was going through her head: "I don't want to touch this jerk but maybe if I throw him this small bone he'll go the hell away.") and he quickly kissed her on the lips instead. Right there at the counter in front of everyone.
My coworkers were told by a higher up who was also working the counter alongside them NOT TO SAY ANYTHING. Just keep helping your customer, ignore it. After all, it's awkward, right? Easier not to get involved. Pretty soon they'll both have what they came to the counter for and be gone.
Fuck. That. Shit. That poor woman was probably desperately hoping someone would tell him to fuck off, and no one did. Not a single fellow customer, not a single employee. They allowed him to sexually harass and then assault her because saying something would make them uncomfortable. I wish like hell I would have been there. I would have embarrassed him so bad he'd never show his face in our store again, and I told them that they ought to have done the same. What makes me angriest about this is that a member of upper-management, someone who had the authority to tell the guy to get out, instead told everyone to just ignore it.
Another man gets away with sexual assault, another woman has it further beaten into her psyche that this sort of thing is acceptable and part of life.
And that is wrong.